6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
