Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
