shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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