I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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