There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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