Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
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It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
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i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.