Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.