The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
What's dad's email?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.