I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
