How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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