Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
