She is in my trunk
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
