I puked a lego.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
