porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
