strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
