her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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