im having a threesome with these popsicles
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
