So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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