My Higher Power is John Stamos
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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