i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize