I need to stop coming to work sober
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
ttyl tear gas
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
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