I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
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Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
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Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?