Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
