remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
