come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
