that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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