saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize