I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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