Please don't use social media to get back at me.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
