all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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