you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
is that a dick in a sweater?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
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