I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
