i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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