Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
You are the jesus of drinking
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
