i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I looked at my own cervix.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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