I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
