I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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