Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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