I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
