My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
