K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
