I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
