i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
