at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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