you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
he told me I talked like a deaf person
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
Randomize
