He uses pillows to masturbate.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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