On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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