I'm really into asian looking animals
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
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