If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
We need to get me chipped asap
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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