i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Welp...herpes.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
