she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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