wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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