you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
